


Forlorn

by pearl_zero



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Gen, Hero Shinsou Hitoshi, Midoriya Izuku Has a Quirk, Murder, Murder Mystery, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Villain Midoriya Izuku
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:48:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28890108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearl_zero/pseuds/pearl_zero
Summary: "Izuku sobs a little less tonight when he looks at the hero news and kills a random villain who makes people look fearful. He cries and cries but not for long, because Izuku is coming to the realization that killing people gets easier when you do it more and more.Izuku doesn't sob, but he does stay up all night again, staring at the ceiling and hoping that he's not a villain and not a bad person and hoping that he's actually saving lives.Lives more meaningful, that is.When did that get stuck in his head?"
Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki & Kirishima Eijirou, Eri & Izumi Kouta & Midoriya Izuku, Kirishima Eijirou & Sero Hanta, Midoriya Izuku & Sero Hanta, Midoriya Izuku & Shinsou Hitoshi, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

It starts like this.

Izuku is 4 years old, and he's officially diagnosed as quirkless. The doctor said it like Izuku had the flu, but Izuku knew that this was like the flu but for a lifetime. His mom cries and cries and Izuku cries as well because he knows being quirkless is bad, bad enough for his mother to cry at him when she hears it.

Izuku asks his mom if he can be a hero, shaking and crying and sniffing. His mom wails and hugs him and tells him she's sorry, and it's not what Izuku wanted to hear at all. Because that meant his mom was giving up on him already, and Izuku wishes his lifetime flu would go away. Izuku wishes he could breathe fire or use telekinesis.

It never happens, of course. Izuku stays quirkless when he is 5, when Kacchan, his friend, laughs at him and kicks dirt on Izuku's favorite red shoes and makes his hands go _pop_ right next to Izuku. 

Izuku stays quirkless when he is 6, when the teachers start talking about him in hushed tones and rushed whispers. Izuku catches little bits of their conversation, things like "shouldn't have been born," and "shouldn't be in this school." It makes Izuku's eyes go wet and puffy and all Izuku wants to do for the rest of the school year is watch hero fights at home and cry all night.

Izuku keeps staying quirkless when he is 7, and his mom has to buy him burn cream and bandages and his mom has to teach him first aid. His mom has to cry and worry over Izuku and it isn't fair, because he never sees the other moms crying over their child every day. Izuku feels like it isn't fair so Izuku lies and lies and lies for Kacchan, says that he tripped and fell, says that Kacchan overused his quirk a little bit, and says that it would be fine. It's all lies, of course.

Izuku stays quirkless when he is 8, and he has to hide a big scar on his upper arm from his mom. It hurts, it hurts a lot, and Izuku can see the shape of a curled hand on it. Izuku tries to focus on the positives, focuses on the fact that the scar looked cool and when Izuku became a big and famous hero, he could say the scar was from a really epic fight. The only thing he liked from year 8 is the big box of notebooks he got for his birthday. It had so many-- about 100, his mom said.

* * *

Izuku stays quirkless when he is 9, and this is how it goes.

Izuku is buying stuff with his mom. Mom is laughing with him and smiling and she doesn't look worried and Izuku decides to hide the fact that he "tripped" again today, just for his mom's happiness.

His mom makes a bad joke about candy, and it makes Izuku laugh, and Izuku is really really happy with his mom because his mom doesn't look at him with hate so strong. He knows she probably does hate some part of him, deep down, but she doesn't say it.

And then there's yelling and screaming and a man is pointing a _gun_ at the cashier. Izuku has seen the cashier before-- she's a blue haired lady with bunny ears and whenever Izuku checks out something, she claps and asks about Izuku's life. Izuku doesn't think fear suits her face.

The cashier starts opening the cash register, and Izuku finally realizes that this is a _mugging,_ one of the ones he saw on television where the news would gather outside the building before heroes rushed in and fought the villain.

There are no heroes.

Mom ducks behind the aisle and pulls Izuku down and makes Izuku cover his ears, but it doesn't mask the angry shouts and the threats and everything is _scary_ and Izuku is truly scared. Izuku thought he knew fear when Kacchan had cornered him in an alleyway and gave him that scar-- that hand-shaped scar-- but Izuku had never known true, chilling fear until now.

He stays like that for a while. Occasionally he'll peak his head out to see if a hero has come, but all he sees is the nice cashier shoving money into a bag for the villain. _Fear doesn't suit her face,_ because truly, it's a pretty face.

There's other people here, as well. Izuku looks to the aisle across from him and sees two black-haired women crouching and hugging their black-haired children. One has a scar across his mouth, and he's practically sobbing against his mom(?). The other is very, very still and silent, and they're clutching their elbows like the world is going to end.

It might, Izuku realizes. He wants to cry again. His mom pulls him back so he doesn't.

He hears breaking glass and muffled grunts and when he looks over again, he sees a hero. A real hero. He has black all over and a weird white scarf that holds the villain, but it's a hero and Izuku does actually cry this time. His mom cries, too, and soon enough they're being escorted by the police.

It's scary. Being 9 was scary, for Izuku.

But it started something, because Izuku never liked the look of fear on people's faces.

* * *

Izuku stays quirkless when he is 13, as well.

He hadn't bought notebooks since he was 8, because the big box of notebooks had satisfied all his analysis needs. It was eventually going to run out soon, of course, but Izuku gained a bookshelf full of heroes and villains so he couldn't complain at all.

Izuku had run out of notebooks, though. He was 13 years old, so his mom let him walk all the way to the corner store and pick up his own notebook. He chose one that was beautifully black and light. It was smaller than his other notebooks, but this one just felt amazing to use.

He bought a black pen with it and took it home and didn't write in it until he was 14 years old.

Izuku stays quirkless when he is 14.

He uses old notebooks before he uses the new one, old ones from 6 years ago. He writes like he always has, taking notes on everything he could and couldn't. Izuku took comfort in knowing what was happening. Izuku took comfort in knowing he was _smart_ and no one could take that fact away. Izuku was a smart child, and he loved it.

Izuku liked knowing everything about everyone. When you were quirkless, you had to be smart. You had to evade, not escape.

When Izuku is 14, Bakugou Katsuki cackles and throws his old 6-year-old notebook out the window. Izuku sucks up his tears and takes it, takes the insults, because he hasn't known anything else.

Izuku, when he is 14, grumbles at the wet notebook in the koi pond and shakily tries to dry it off. It's unsuccessful, but he can still get a bit of the words translated. It'll be fine.

Izuku grumbles and takes out his notebook, his _new one_ that he loved so much that he hid in his backpack just in case. His pristine black notebook that he likes so much, but he doesn't know why.

Izuku curses under his breath. "Stupid Bakugou," he mutters, writing down his classmate's name in one of the middle pages of his new notebook. "Think before you speak, stupid." It feels strangely good to insult Bakugou behind his back.

Izuku grumbles and gives up on copying everything on the wet and burnt page to the new page, and shakes the dirty notebook off and stuffs it in his backpack. It'll be fine.

He takes his phone out of his pocket-- honestly, thank God Bakugou didn't break that, he needed his mom-- and texts his mom about where he is, and scrolls through the hero news.

* * *

Izuku is 14 years old when he truly realizes how dying feels.

It's agony. It's a slimy substance clogging your neck and throat, closing your airways until you can't breathe. It's horrid, the voice of a villain complimenting you in your ear, and you know a hero won't come for you. It's horrid, and Izuku wouldn't wish it upon his worst enemy.

(That turns out to be a lie.)

Izuku claws and resists and tries but nothing ever goes right for him, for the quirkless boy who can't do a thing. Izuku sobs and sobs and tries to call for help but the villain hurts him more and he can't breathe and he needs _help_ and no one is coming, and it won't be like last time where the heroes came to his rescue and Izuku is going to die.

Izuku doesn't want to die.

_Izuku doesn't want to die._

* * *

Izuku knows what disappointment feels like. It's your friend laughing at you, not with you, for a dumb mistake you made. It's your bully going from dust to shoves to punches to burns to permanent scars shaped like hands curled around an arm. It's teachers turning their noses to you, sneering when they witness an event that they should report but they don't. That is Izuku's disappointment.

Izuku realizes what true disappointment feels like when he is 14, and truly, 14 seems to be the unlucky year. Disappointment feels like your idol and your savior patting you on your head like you're a puppy. Disappointment feels like your hero and your favorite celebrity telling you that you can't be a hero, ever.

That is disappointment, Izuku thinks, when his shining star flies away. It's grand. All Might is grand in every way. Izuku's disappointed.

He doesn't leave the roof. He curls up against the door and cries and cries and cries, and once he's done crying, he checks the hero news. That's all he does now, he thinks. Cries and checks hero news like a baby.

  
  


Izuku has already felt true fear. This is nothing compared to that.

Izuku has already felt death coming closer to him. Izuku has already seen the face of a truly terrified person.

Izuku does not think the face of Bakugou Katsuki looks good with fear on it. Some part of his mind takes some sick satisfaction in the fact that Bakugou got caught by the same villain Izuku did, but most of his mind is blaring alarm signals and crying and telling the heroes to hurry up and _get him out._ But they don't because All Might isn't there because Izuku had used up all his time.

Izuku sniffs and cries again. He's so useless.

He does the only thing he can do and writes. The name of the villain is plastered on the news. He's a petty thief that had been spotted 2 times today, not including Izuku's encounter. His quirk is a slime quirk, maybe a mutation? Does the villain always look like that, or is there a human under all of that goop?

Izuku writes the name of the villain using his new pen and his new amazing notebook. He's so _useless,_ he thinks, because Bakugou is clearly dying and all Izuku is doing is writing down notes like a madman.

  
  


Izuku knows what relief is. Oh, does he know what relief is. Relief is heroes breaking into a store and apprehending a criminal that could've killed the nice lady with the bunny ears. Relief is finally breathing again after throwing up so much slime that had invaded your system. 

Relief is also watching Bakugou Katsuki breathe air as well.

Exactly 40 seconds passed since Izuku wrote the name of that villain in that notebook, and the villain had gone wide eyed and had stopped struggling and had collapsed onto the ground. The reporters said the villain passed out due to unknown reasons.

It's a coincidence, of course. Izuku had written the name of that villain in this book for notes. Someone with a quirk must've made the villain go to sleep. Maybe Midnight was secretly on the scene? But that wouldn't make sense, because Midnight was patrolling elsewhere, and he would've seen her quirk.

He knows what relief is, and Izuku loves relief so much.

That is, until he turns the notebook, his black and cool notebook over, and sees white words engraved into the back that he definitely didn't see before. Izuku doesn't know if they were there or if he's just stupid.

_"The human whose name is written in this note shall die."_

* * *

"What a joke," Izuku says out loud. This was a notebook that he had bought from a store. This was the newest notebook he'd bought from the store, ever since the mugging--

This wasn't a notebook of death. This was a normal notebook. 

What a joke. It was hilarious. Izuku may be useless, but he wasn't stupid. He had to be smart. It was a necessity.

  
  


Izuku checks the hero news once he gets home and gets past his sobbing mom. Apparently, coming home 2 hours past afterschool made people worried.

The hero news was talking about the strange circumstances in which a slime villain had died suddenly today during a hostage situation.

Izuku turns off the hero news.

* * *

Izuku opens up the very last page of the notebook again and finds papers that are already written on. These papers are dark and black and ominous but something tells Izuku to read them anyway.

_"This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected."_

Izuku tries to force a laugh to make himself calm, but it comes out as a strange wheezing noise.

_"If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen."_

Izuku hadn't written a cause of death. He had written the villain's name and a few notes about his quirk, that's it.

_"If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack."_

Izuku holds his breath and opens his phone and scrolls to the hero news again.

The villain had died of a heart attack.

He wants to throw up. This is a joke. This is fake. These rules aren't real, they're probably just some joke to make him feel scared.

_"After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds."_

This is too elaborate to be fake, one part of his mind says. He tells it to shut the hell up.

He doesn't touch the notebook for a week after that.

* * *

Izuku hates the look of fear on people's faces. It doesn't suit them at all.

Izuku hates the feeling of fear and the look of fear and people who cause fear. He hates it so much, loves how heroes take that fear and chuck it away.

Izuku has been a bit suspicious of heroes lately.

Bakugou could've died. Really died back there, and the heroes just stood there waiting for a good quirk. They were waiting for All Might, because All Might has the most heroic quirk ever. _Superpower,_ is what most of the media calls it. 

Those heroes would've let Bakugou die.

Izuku looks into Endeavor, but stops before he gets too far in a rabbit hole of dismay. Endeavor is horrid.

Izuku looks into a smaller known hero named Shooting Star. They have a quirk that lets them shoot hot, star shaped blades from their hands. It's very effective.

They are not a good hero.

Izuku looks through articles of allegations and statistics of deaths and everyone is stacked against the hero. Shooting Star does not grant very much wishes.

Izuku then cries, because he had the thought of using that horrible notebook against a _hero_ and Izuku isn't a villain, will never be a villain.

So instead of horrible heroes, Izuku looks up even worse villains. There's more hate towards villains, after all.

He comes across an article for a small villain named Secret. They have a truth telling quirk. Izuku thinks it's sad that they wouldn't be able to be a police officer, but then he looks at videos of robberies and looks at _fear_ and thinks that maybe this villain would be better off dead.

And then Izuku cries again. He's a villain. A real villain.

* * *

He's a bad, bad villain.

* * *

Izuku kills someone again. He hates it.

The heroes weren't doing anything. It was exactly like the slime villain, except bigger and badder and the villain had taken 5 _little kids_ hostage and the heroes had to wait for goddamn All Might, even though All Might's time was probably up and these kids were going to die on live television.

Izuku shakes and cries and writes the name that's plastered on the screen of the news. He doesn't write how the villain died, which might've been a problem had Izuku been thinking straight-- but he _hadn't,_ all he saw was the look of fear on those faces and he knew he couldn't help without murder.

_The villain's life is worth less than the children's lives,_ he chanted in his head. He wasn't sure if he really believed it right then.

But when the villain collapsed, gasping and clutching his chest, and the children were escorted away while the villain was taken away as well, Izuku smiled. 

He had saved 5 lives. _5!_ Izuku was a hero to those kids and--

Izuku was a hero.

_The villain's life was worth less._

Izuku believed it.

* * *

Izuku applies for the Gen Ed course in UA. His mom smiles and encourages him, and Izuku feels sad, because he knows she would be upset if he became a hero. 

He feels sad a lot, anyway. He gets even more sad whenever he thinks about his mom, and he gets terrified and sad whenever he thinks about the notebook.

2 weeks after he killed a guy on live television, he had a breakdown in his room and then didn't come to school for 2 days. It was fine, though. Izuku was smart. He'd catch up easily.

He did.

He doesn't use the notebook after that, not for a while. He goes to the UA exams and gets a 94 on the written exam. Considering the fact Izuku thought he was below failing, he's pretty happy with that grade.

He finishes his middle school year with his principal congratulating him and Bakugou.

Izuku doesn't let himself get cornered. He evades.

Izuku takes 20 minutes out of his day to stare at the black notebook sitting on his desk before doing anything else.

_A villain's life is worth less._ He believes it.

  
  


"I'm Midoriya Izuku," He says, full of emotion but so, so dry inside. He knows that the class won't care about him as soon as they find him quirkless.

"Please take care of me," He bows, smiling in a way that doesn't quite meet his eyes. He's lying again to his brand new class, and he couldn't care less.

He'll have to evade for a whole new year.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ""Could I use your pencil? I broke mine," Izuku asks, and the words feel so unfamiliar on his tongue because he hasn't asked for anything from a classmate in ages. Izuku has been quirkless until he was 14, now 15. Quirkless people don't deserve pencils."

Izuku writes his name on his worksheet and almost scratches the paper into pieces. He breaks his pencil lead before that could happen, though, and has to ask for a new one from the boy in front of him.

"Hey," Izuku taps on the boy's shoulder. His own voice is scratchy, probably from how much he cried last night and how often he forgets to talk during school. Even during his introduction, his voice sounds ragged and Izuku is sure that everyone thinks he's insane.

The boy with gravity-defying hair looks back at Izuku, narrowing his eyes. Izuku feels rotten inside, but he sucks it up and asks anyway.

"Could I use your pencil? I broke mine," Izuku asks, and the words feel so unfamiliar on his tongue because he hasn't asked for anything from a classmate in ages. Izuku has been quirkless until he was 14, now 15. Quirkless people don't deserve pencils.

No one knows Izuku is quirkless, though. The purple-haired boy digs through his desk and finds a pencil, one that is black and looks newer than the actual pencil the boy is using.

Izuku smiles at the boy. It doesn't reach his eyes, and he knows, but he tries for a hollow sign of emotion anyways. "Thank you," Izuku says, almost coughing at the scratch of his throat. He really needed to get sleep.

The boy raises an eyebrow and turns back. Izuku doesn't know what this means, and he spends the entire rest of the period hating that he doesn't know. Izuku is supposed to know everything about everyone.

* * *

Izuku sobs a little less tonight when he looks at the Hero News and kills a random villain who makes people look fearful. He cries, but not for long, because Izuku is coming to the realization that killing people gets easier the more you do it.

Izuku doesn't sob, but he does stay up all night again, staring at the ceiling and hoping that he's not a villain or a bad person and hoping that he's actually saving lives.

Lives more meaningful than the ones he’s taking, that is.

When did that get stuck in his head? 

* * *

Izuku sucks it up and goes to school, muttering incoherently and murmuring about nothing in particular. He watches a black-haired boy walk into the school with a friend - the black-haired boy looks shockingly familiar. Izuku can't put his finger on it, and he hates it. Izuku is supposed to know everything about everyone, so he hates not knowing why he seems to remember the boy.   
Izuku does come to the realization of where he knows the boy from at lunch, though, where Izuku scrolls through Hero News and takes out his notebook.

From the mugging, Izuku thinks and genuinely grins. He must look like a madman, grinning to himself about nothing, but Izuku likes knowing things and it makes him happy.

Izuku stops grinning when he realizes what he was going to do.

His hand shakes right above the notebook and he has to stop himself from scratching it all over. He breathes. It's fine, he's done this before, he can't break down right here because it's the middle of lunch. Izuku thinks this is great practice because he really needs to stop crying. He can't cry in a cafeteria.

He takes a breath and looks up Shooting Star on the forums. Shooting Star isn't a good hero. He remembers the things he had looked up. Shooting Star is a horrid hero, so Izuku can use him for one thing. Izuku writes in his notebook furiously. Don't cry, it's a cafeteria. He's fine. He's done this before, at home.

When Izuku is done, he turns off his phone and slides his notebook underneath his shirt. It's the easiest hiding spot right now. It's not like anyone is watching him. He smiles, but it's another fake and empty one. It's a smile to distract himself from everything, actually. It's not genuine.

It's not genuine whatsoever.

* * *

Izuku goes home and cries, but only for 20 minutes. Izuku usually cries for an hour after a killing. He tells himself that it's because all his tears had dried up during school. He opens his phone and sees that Shooting Star had gotten himself shot by a villain in battle, and he can't help but smile, just a little bit. Only because Shooting Star is such a bad hero that he might as well have been a villain.

That's it. That's the end of that. Izuku doesn't cry for Shooting Star, just stays up all night with a thousand thoughts.

* * *

Izuku goes to school and does his work and kills a villain in the cafeteria, then kills another. He makes it through the entire day without a single tear shed, so he gives himself permission to get a sugar cookie at the corner store. He sees Bakugou there, though, his instincts kick in, and before he knows it he’s suddenly in a bathroom stall with his feet above the door.

He doesn’t get home until 7 PM, and his mom cries, then scolds and questions about where he's been - he has to lie and say that he got sidetracked during a hero fight. He thinks it’d feel dirty to lie to her, but he does it every day of his life.

* * *

Izuku lays in bed and practically pulls his hair out thinking about things he shouldn't think about. He needs to sleep. He really needs to sleep, because people will get suspicious of him if he doesn’t. And when people get suspicious, they want to know everything, so Izuku has to get some sleep. It's hard enough to sneak past his mom on school days.

‘Bakugou is a bully’, his mind says, and that's all he can think about.

Bakugou was a bully. A stupid, no good bully. It wasn't just Izuku, it was every kid who had a quirk that wasn't heroic. Especially the ones who had big dreams, dreams of being heroes and being at the top.

Bakugou was a bully. Bakugou wasn't a damn hero, but there he was, in a hero class. Making friends, probably because Bakugou decided he could just forget everything.

Izuku is so very bitter.

‘You have a notebook’, his mind says.

‘Please shut the hell up’, he snaps back. He adds the please for emphasis. He doesn't want to go on this line of thought. And yet he does. He does and ends up crying for 35 minutes this time, laughing and sobbing at 12 AM. Then he looks up the Hero News and kills a villain at 12:39 AM, which makes him feel a bit better. Then that good feeling turns to resentment for himself because murder is not supposed to make Izuku feel better.

Then he cries some more and stays up until 4 AM, convincing himself that villain lives are horrid.

* * *

  
Izuku kills a not-villain.

It's 2 AM and he's not thinking straight. He's brought a piece of paper from the notebook with him because no matter how much he's scared of that notebook, it also brings a sense of odd comfort.    
  
It's 2 AM and Izuku knows he is in the wrong when he does what he does, but all Izuku sees is a kid being cornered-- a kid who couldn't be less than 6 years old, a kid who cowered and trembled and wailed-- and he sees bullies try to cover it up with roughhousing as if Izuku is that stupid. Izuku plastered on a smile then, not quite reaching his eyes like they always did. "What's your name?" He asks the kids, the bullies, the 8-year-olds who can't even see his face because he's standing too far away for them to recognize anything except for his green eyes.

Izuku can't quite catch their expressions, but they seem reluctant. "I'm Akako Yoshinori, and that's Michi Etsu," one of the boys says, and that's all Izuku needs. He then waves them off. "Well, don't roughhouse too hard next time, yeah?" He watches the two boys scramble away without a second thought, and it leads him back to the trembling kid in the corner.

Izuku flips his hood on and tightens it. There are no lights around here, but he’d rather be safe than sorry. He walks over to the kid and sits down right next to him. The kid is small and has black hair along with sharp eyes that remind Izuku of himself, but he sucks it up because he knows that this isn't a bad person. At least, right now they aren't.

"So hey," Izuku greets, and the kid scoots away from him in the dark. He holds his knees up to his chest - crying and sniffling. Izuku hates the sound of fear. The kid doesn't respond, which is fair. Izuku did give off the impression that he let those two bullies go for no reason after all. So Izuku takes out his notebook just to hold it - the strange comforting effect it has on him gives him enough confidence to continue.

"I'm…" He hesitates - does he really want to give his name out, in the position he's in?

"I'm… Akatani." Izuku tests. It would work for now, but he really needs a solid false identity for things like this.    
  
‘That implies you’ll kill more bullies’, his mind whispers.

‘I'm doing something, shut the hell up’, he avoids the intrusive thought.

The kid sniffles again and-    
And flips off Izuku in the middle of the night.

Izuku does not know how this kid even knows that sign, and it makes him a bit angry, but he grasps his notebook and starts again. "Sorry for acting like those guys weren't… weren't being horrible. I'm sorry, I needed to get their names," He explains, and the kid perks up a bit. "People shouldn't… they shouldn't be allowed to do things like that to other people. I'd know. I'm sorry," he apologizes again, and then feels a thump on his arm.

"Stop apologizing," the kid says, his voice squeaky and high-pitched like that of a child. Izuku wants to cry because this is in-fact a child and as much as he wants to write those names in his notebook right now, he can't bring himself to.

"Are you from around here?" Izuku asks to delay the inevitable and the kid shakes his head from behind his knees. Izuku internally cheers - that’ll make things a lot easier. "What's your name-? Are you lost? Sorry if I'm asking too many questions," Izuku continues. The kid simply sniffles again.

"Kota. I- I came out here by myself, but I got lost. My family - they're visiting," He mumbles.

Izuku nods and abruptly gets up, holding out his hand. "Well- I came out here by myself too. Do you have any idea where your parents might be-?" He asks, and Kota looks up at Izuku with wet eyes, uncurls his legs, and takes Izuku's hand. Izuku feels like crying again.

"Yeah, I- I think I know where they might be! I- I don't need your help," Kota bites, and Izuku is a bit offended but Kota drags him along and doesn't make any move of letting go of Izuku's hand, and Izuku actually swears Kota is holding his hand harder than anyone's ever done before.

Izuku grips his notebook and lets himself be dragged along. Kota leads him to a big hotel and Izuku is grateful they didn't have to go to the police or somewhere along those lines. And yet, the hotel is really bright and flashy and it's really late. The brightness almost makes Izuku tear up.

"Room 346!" Kota all but yells at the front desk, the lady panics and calls the room. Izuku apologizes for Kota even though he doesn't even know the kid well.

A woman with red hair and another with blonde hair rush out of an elevator and scoop Kota from Izuku's arm - they thank him so profusely that Izuku feels a bit overwhelmed. Kota also thanks him and suddenly they're all leaving Izuku in an empty hotel lobby at almost 3 AM.

‘That was an experience,’ his mind says. ‘Now go kill those bullies.’

‘God, shut the hell up!’ he bites back.

* * *

He does, in fact, kill the bullies, but it's not until a week later.

On the weekend after he kills said bullies, he's in his room and his mom is at work. He's spiraling further and further down. He grabs his notebook, his black notebook, his Death Note, to help his panic, but this doesn't do any good because he blanks out and when he gets himself together again, he's sitting in front of his desk and there's dried drool on his face and he's written around 40 names in the notebook. His computer is set to a page of criminals and he crushes the pen he has, ink splattering on his hand and spilling all over the desk. He sobs because he's nothing but a villain.

The police station must care by now, he figures, and when he opens his phone to check if his mom had sent him text messages he finds an urgent Hero News alert about a villain who kills via heart attack.

They found out what he was doing and that's bad because Izuku will be caught eventually and he'll go to jail and if he goes to jail then he'll never be a hero-

‘But you're doing good.’

Izuku startles. No he isn't, he's not doing good, he's killing people and killing people is wrong and horrible and--

And he's killing villains, killing criminals, killing people who are in jail because they did something horrible.

He's-- Izuku is--

Izuku is not doing good, but he is not a villain.

He is not a villain. 

He…

* * *

Kota is sitting in the same alleyway at 2 AM a few weeks later.

Izuku had packed a bag full of books and things, and he was planning to study outside, because the school's curriculum is actually difficult. And of course Izuku can't sleep, being on the Hero News and all, so he takes comfort in black. He doesn't know what makes him go to the alleyway, but he does, and Kota is there, curled up once more with bandages all over his legs.

"Hey," Izuku greets and sits right next to Kota, like this is something that was organized. "Is your family still visiting? It's been a month." Kota grumbles and Izuku gets the feeling that Kota doesn't want to talk right now, so he takes out a lamp from his backpack and flicks it on, then takes out a bunch of books and a normal notebook to study.

Kota stays there throughout the night, occasionally scooting closer until he's pretty much laying against Izuku's side. Izuku doesn't know if he deserves this kind of affection, especially because Kota doesn't even know his real name.

At 4 AM, the darkness begins to seep away, and Kota is fast asleep. Izuku assumes that he should probably bring him back to the hotel room, if their family even still stayed there. Izuku awkwardly picks Kota up bridal style and slings his backpack on his bag, then sets off for the hotel.

* * *

Izuku is six weeks into the school year when Kota finally finds him at a time that's not 2 AM and a location that isn't in an alleyway.

It's 6 AM on a Sunday and they meet at the beach that's filled to the brim with garbage. It's hard to make out Kota’s silhouette, but it's definitely him, so Izuku grips his black notebook and walks over. Kota is making a ball out of water and Izuku thinks that it's a cool quirk before he's blasted in the face with it.

"Hey! You-" Kota shouts, but Izuku is soaked and his notebook would've been soaked if it wasn't for Izuku shoving it up his shirt at the last second. Kota looks confused, then surprised, then sorry, and finally frustrated.

"Sorry," Kota grumbles, crossing his arms. Izuku shakes the water out of his hair and smiles- it's hollow, just like his other smiles, but he tries his best to make it look genuine.

"Hey, it's fine. I- I guess I deserved that, huh?" Izuku had tried sneaking up on Kota, but the sand was loud and Izuku wasn't the sneakiest.

Kota kicks the ground and quietly grumbles something inaudible, so Izuku offers tea at his house because all this garbage is making the beach stink and a child like Kota really shouldn't be out here. Kota shrugs and grabs Izuku's hand so he leads him.

* * *

"Akatani-kun," Kota says, and Izuku had almost forgotten that he had given the kid a false name. "Are you a hero?" Kota asks, sharp eyes completely focused on the tea that Izuku had given him. Izuku almost laughs because that's a ridiculous question. No. No, Izuku is so far from a hero - he's anything but a hero according to society’s standards.

"No, not at all," Izuku replies instead of falling into a laughing fit.

"Well, good. 'Cause I hate heroes, so if you were a hero, I'd have to hate you a lot," Kota snaps. Izuku blinks.

Kota hates heroes.

"Why?" Izuku finds himself asking, trying not to be rude. It's bizarre to Izuku, a kid Kota's age who doesn't admire heroes and think they're the coolest in the world. "'S because," Kota starts, "My-- My mommy and my daddy, they-- they were heroes, and they went and died and left me alone." Kota is holding his teacup tightly, and Izuku immediately feels insane amounts of sympathy for the kid. So much so that he feels like crying for him.

"And-- and everyone acted like that was so cool of 'em, and like-- like them bein' dead wasn't bad, just 'cause they saved some dumb people." Kota finishes, setting down his teacup just so he can cross his arms and directly look into Izuku’s eyes.

Izuku can only sheepishly stare back-- he knows his eyes are dull compared to the bitterness he sees in Kota's black pupils. "That's horrible," Izuku replies, not really realizing that what he's saying is barely an appropriate reaction. "They didn't treat their death as a people's death, but as a hero's death." Kota nods, tears up, and goes to hold Izuku's hand tightly. Izuku can feel himself tearing up because Kota's parents were dead and everyone around him had celebrated - that's horrifying.

* * *

"Midoriya," Izuku says, an hour after he and Kota had cried over dead parents and society’s perception of heroes.    
Kota stares at him. "What?"

"That's my name," Izuku explains, and Kota looks even more confused.

"But you said it was Akatani." Kota says

"I lied."

* * *

Midoriya Izuku stays quirkless when he is 15, but Midoriya Izuku and Izumi Kota are bitter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. THANK YOU SWAG FRIEND WHO BETA READ THIS.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you https://archiveofourown.org/users/questionable_choices/pseuds/questionable_choices for beta reading!
> 
> mushed together some bnha and some death note, and we have a brand new series!
> 
> irregular updates, but ill try as hard as i can. 
> 
> if anything needs clearing up, ask me in the comments!
> 
> otherwise, there u go!!


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